THE "V" WORD

Over 25 years ago, during a personal growth seminar, I discovered that I had difficulty being “Vulnerable”.  To be honest, back then, I thought being vulnerable was a bad thing – it meant “weak”, “needy” and “not having it together”.

What I learned was that Vulnerability is what lets others in – without it, we feel isolated or lonely, even in a room full of people!  I discovered that what opened my heart most to the people in my life, was their Vulnerability – what I would describe as their “beautiful imperfections” that endeared me to them!

Around 2000, I had a friend ‘call me on the carpet’.  She said that I was always there to listen and support my friends, but I never let anyone else in.  When I wasn’t doing OK (i.e. stressed, unhappy, in a bind) I would ‘put on a happy face’, pretend that all was good with me, and withdraw.  She was right!

I told myself I was just “being positive” and that I could work through things myself.  And sometimes I did.  And - I didn’t want to admit that although I had many loving friends, I experienced loneliness.  In fact, I was in HUGE denial!

I then admitted to myself that Vulnerability was a good and healthy thing.  And, I had no idea how hard it would be to embrace it.  I accepted that I had been shutting out the people who loved me, and began to let a few of them in.  It wasn’t always comfortable.

Now, many years later, I still struggle with Vulnerability – I confess it sometimes is still the “V” word – that uncomfortable, difficult thing to do, even though I know it is good for me.

This morning, I asked myself why was it so difficult for me to be Vulnerable?  Why did I seem to want to avoid it at all costs (and the costs were many)?  My conclusion was that to me, Vulnerability still felt like I was needy, lacking in control and exposed.  This didn’t sound healthy and positive - no wonder I tried to avoid it! 

I came across a Ted Talk by  Brene Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” and was very moved by it.  She discovered in her research that there were two types of people - a) those who had a strong sense of worthiness and had a strong sense of love and belonging and b) folks who struggle for it, always wondering if they are good enough.

The difference between these two groups were Courage, Compassion and Connection.  She said, “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."  These ‘Whole Hearted’ people had the Courage to be imperfect.  They had the Compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others.  We can’t have true compassion for others if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.  And Connection came through Authenticity – they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were, which is absolutely necessary for Connection.  And more importantly, they fully embraced Vulnerability - they believed that what made them Vulnerable, made them beautiful! 

(Wow, that sounds like the opposite perspective to my idea of Vulnerable meaning “weak”, “needy” and “not having it together”!)

Vulnerability is the Birthplace of Joy, of Love, of Creativity, of Belonging.

To avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come along with Vulnerability we numb, we aim for perfection (and even project the striving for Perfection onto our children!)  And at what cost?  When we numb our feelings, we are numbing ALL our feelings!  The Joy as well as the pain!  When we strive for Perfection, we can NEVER get it done, NEVER be good enough, NEVER be thin enough, NEVER young enough, NEVER successful enough, NEVER organized enough…..

There is another way – to let ourselves be seen, deeply, vulnerable seen.  To love with our Whole Hearts, even though there is no guarantee.  Practice Gratitude and lean into Joy.  And finally, to believe that we are enough!

So, my Intention for 2015 is to embrace being vulnerable more often…  to master the dance between feeling vulnerable/needy/controlling and  feeling vulnerable/open/trusting!

What is YOUR Intention for 2015?  Wanna play with me this year?

THE ART OF FUN!

“That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year."

"Why?" Isabelle said.
"So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

A client recently told me of a visit for a checkup with her Doctor. At the end of the visit he handed her a prescription.  She was a little puzzled as she wasn't expecting it, and when she looked at it, the doctor had written was just three letters - "FUN"!

How many of us have warranted this prescription during stressful times in our lives… how many need it now?  In my Intuitive Sessions, there is so very often a need for my clients to lighten up and be more easy on themselves.

Why is this such a big issue?  Why do so many people seem to be lacking Fun, Ease and Joy in life? What stands in the way?

The obstacles to FUN – living our lives with Ease and Joy – can be different for each person.  Here are some examples….

How many of us were told as children: “Finish your homework (or chores) and THEN you can play.”, “Stop being so silly.”, “This (a mess, a spilt drink, etc.) is no laughing matter, young man!”? These are just a few of the things we were told when we were in a formative time in our lives, and we internalized these statements – so we BELIEVE it is (not OK, Bad, Lazy or??) to relax and have some FUN if all of our (never-ending) tasks are completed!

Another obstacle to FUN for many of is our “To Do List”.  How many of us can’t seem to relax and be playful when there are still things on our list?  This can become a vicious cycle of overwhelm. Some of us have created (unrealistic) expectations that when our list is complete, we will feel ‘on top’ of our overwhelmed feelings if we can just get caught up – and then we search for MORE things to add to our list, so we don’t forget something!  The list cannot ever be complete, so we are caught in this trap. 

This sense of never ending tasks to complete is very common with working parents, people who have their own business, etc.  I confess I have ‘danced’ with this monster for many years of my life.

Another obstacle to FUN is being overly sensitive to what others would think… Some of us imagine that if others knew that we lazed around in our pajamas and watched TV (or read a book, or watched a DVD) that they would judge us as lazy, unmotivated, or even undeserving of success.

How do we overcome this conditioning and habitual patterning that keep us trapped in a life of overwhelm, fatigue, and seriousness?

Sometimes we think, ”If I just ______ (got caught up, had more money, had a spouse who helped more, got my kids to listen…) THEN I could relax and have a little FUN!  NOT!  It doesn’t work that way.

We have to understand the Benefits, Value and Necessity of Fun in our lives!   

We need to begin by making FUN a priority! 

The benefit of Fun is not a new concept.  Plato believed that life should be lived as play. The Bible reminds us that a merry heart does wonders. The Talmud warns that we must account for the permitted pleasures we failed to enjoy during our lifetime.

Mary Poppins sings – 

“With every task that must be done, there is an element of Fun.  Find the Fun and ‘snap’ the job’s a game!”

Laughter, play, and fun are an essential part of life, and we cannot be truly healthy (in Body, Mind & Spirit) without them.

A Sacred Day

What if you took one day a week (or even half a day, if necessary) and called it Sacred? (hmmm, I have heard of this before...) And its Sacredness is not about being serious, or good, or, heaven forbid, “productive”!  But rather that it is a time for FUN, for ease, relaxation, play, entertainment and laughter!  I can personally attest to the benefits of this – when I have my “Sacred Day”, I am twice as productive in the days following – and happier, too!

Lighten Up

Another approach to having more fun is to simply choose to “Lighten Up”, and not take everything in life so seriously. 

“I will laugh at the world.

No living creature can laugh except man. Trees may bleed when they are wounded, and beasts in the field will cry in pain and hunger, yet only I have the gift of laughter and it is mine to use whenever I choose.

Henceforth I will cultivate the habit of laughter. I will smile and my digestion will improve; I will chuckle and my burdens will be lightened; I will laugh and my life will be lengthened for this is the great secret of long life and now it is mine.

I will laugh at the world. And most of all, I will laugh at myself for man is most comical when he takes himself too seriously. Never will I fall into this trap of the mind. For though I be nature’s greatest miracle, am I not still a mere grain tossed about by the winds of time? Do I truly know whence I came or whither I am bound? Will my concern for this day not seem foolish ten years hence? Why should I permit the petty happenings of today to disturb me? What can take place before this sun sets which will not seem insignificant in the river of centuries?” 

-       From Og Mandino’s “The Greatest Salesman in the World”

Be Playful

It may take a little creative effort to begin with, but make a choice to be Playful whenever possible.  This could be a flick of water from your fingers at a family member when you are washing dishes, a pillow fight or an affectionate ‘goosing’ with someone at home.  If coming up with spontaneous ways to be playful is difficult, then spend some time around children!  If you don’t have children around you, go to the beach, or a park and watch children at play – imagine yourself in their shoes, remember what you loved to do as a child!  It is easier than you may think!

Once you make a choice that you want FUN to be an part of your life, it will become easier and easier to embrace it.  You will be happier, healthier and, believe it or not, more productive!

Click Here to see others having FUN!

 I Dare You to do something fun and crazy ... and let me know about it!

LIFE IS A VACATION

I have decided that my goal is to have my life feel like a perpetual vacation…

Some time ago, I had some friends visit me from the mainland, and I took a day to show them some of my favorite places on the island and ‘play tourist’.   

I noticed that when I was in ‘vacation mode’, I had a very different outlook.  As I was driving roads that I travel regularly, I saw them through new eyes – I noticed how spectacular and breathtaking our mountains and beaches are.  I saw my home of Hawaii from a different perspective – in fact – I SAW Hawaii as I drove around, instead of ‘being’ somewhere else!  Instead of listening to the radio or a CD - instead of thinking about what I had to do when I got to my destination - instead of getting irritated with the way the person ahead of me was driving - instead of trying to be in the fastest moving lane – instead of catching up on my phone calls… I noticed that I was relaxed… as if, and, here it is…. Drum roll… as if, I didn’t have a care in the world and my only focus was to savor and enjoy every moment!  In other words, as if, I was on vacation!

So, if I were living a perpetual vacation, what would that be like?  I would pay attention to what I wanted to do, rather than I what I felt I should do.  I would not be in a hurry, because, hey, who cares?  I’m on vacation!  I would wake up with ease and anticipation of the coming day, because, of course, I am on vacation.  I wouldn’t worry about the housework, or catching up on all the errands, because they would wait until I got to them.  Besides, I am on vacation!  I would be making my pleasure and joy a top priority, since this ‘vacation time’ was precious.  I would plan a slower pace, because it is no fun being rushed and stressed out when I am on vacation!  I would savor each moment, because who knows when I will have the opportunity for that particular experience again.  I would turn my phone off more often and return calls when it was convenient for me (gee – what an unusual idea!) since I wouldn’t want my enjoyment of the moment interrupted by phone calls.

So, you may be thinking, when do I make my living?  When do I do the things I don’t care to do that need to get done, like laundry etc?  When do I start behaving responsibly?  Well, the truth is, I love what I do to earn my living, so it is a joy to show up and teach my classes and give Reiki treatments.  I even enjoy writing this newsletter and getting it out to you folks (especially when I have people that come & help!)  I can even have a sense of satisfaction when my home is clean, my laundry is done and I have organized a closet!  The major difference is, that even on vacation, many of these things get done, but they are done when I FEEL like doing them, rather than because I SHOULD do them. 

Even on vacation, I sometimes have a schedule - a flight to catch, or a call to make.  Those details are simply the steps to take me towards more FUN!  So, why can’t the things I have to include in my day all feel as if they are taking me towards something more enjoyable?  It is all in my viewpoint.

When I am on vacation, I feel worry free.  There is a sense of endless time, a sense of abundance, ease and enjoyment.  There is an anticipation of unexpected new pleasures.  There is an expectation that I will have a great day, and any obstacles or glitches that I come across will make an amusing story later when I reminisce about my ‘great vacation.’  So, why can’t my life be a perpetual vacation?  I will remind myself any time I feel rushed or stressed that I can shift gears and go back to my vacation!  Want to come play with me?