Over 25 years ago, during a
personal growth seminar, I discovered that I had difficulty being
“Vulnerable”. To be honest, back then, I
thought being vulnerable was a bad thing – it meant “weak”, “needy” and “not
having it together”.
What I learned was that
Vulnerability is what lets others in – without it, we feel isolated or lonely,
even in a room full of people! I
discovered that what opened my heart most to the people in my life, was their Vulnerability
– what I would describe as their “beautiful imperfections” that endeared me to
them!
Around 2000, I had a friend ‘call
me on the carpet’. She said that I was
always there to listen and support my friends, but I never let anyone else
in. When I wasn’t doing OK (i.e.
stressed, unhappy, in a bind) I would ‘put on a happy face’, pretend that all
was good with me, and withdraw. She was
right!
I told myself I was just “being
positive” and that I could work through things myself. And sometimes I did. And - I didn’t want to admit that although I
had many loving friends, I experienced loneliness. In fact, I was in HUGE denial!
I then admitted to myself that
Vulnerability was a good and healthy thing.
And, I had no idea how hard it would be to embrace it. I accepted that I had been shutting out the
people who loved me, and began to let a few of them in. It wasn’t always comfortable.
Now, many years later, I still
struggle with Vulnerability – I confess it sometimes is still the “V” word –
that uncomfortable, difficult thing to do, even though I know it is good for
me.
This morning, I asked myself why
was it so difficult for me to be Vulnerable?
Why did I seem to want to avoid it at all costs (and the costs were
many)? My conclusion was that to me,
Vulnerability still felt like I was needy, lacking in control and exposed. This didn’t sound healthy and positive - no
wonder I tried to avoid it!
I came across a Ted Talk by Brene Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” and was very moved by it. She discovered in her research that there
were two types of people - a) those who had a strong sense of worthiness and
had a strong sense of love and belonging and b) folks who struggle for it, always
wondering if they are good enough.
The difference between these two groups were Courage, Compassion and
Connection. She said, “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word
courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the
word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." These ‘Whole Hearted’ people had the Courage
to be imperfect. They had the Compassion to be kind to themselves
first, and then to others. We can’t have
true compassion for others if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And Connection came through Authenticity –
they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order
to be who they were, which is absolutely necessary for Connection. And more importantly, they fully embraced
Vulnerability - they believed that what made them Vulnerable, made them
beautiful!
(Wow,
that sounds like the opposite perspective to my idea of Vulnerable meaning “weak”, “needy” and “not having it together”!)
Vulnerability is the Birthplace of Joy, of Love, of Creativity, of Belonging.
To avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come along with Vulnerability we
numb, we aim for perfection (and even project the striving for Perfection onto our
children!) And at
what cost? When we numb our feelings, we are numbing ALL
our feelings! The Joy as well as the
pain! When we strive for Perfection, we
can NEVER get it done, NEVER be good enough, NEVER be thin enough, NEVER young
enough, NEVER successful enough, NEVER organized enough…..
There is another way – to let ourselves be seen, deeply, vulnerable
seen. To love with our Whole Hearts,
even though there is no guarantee.
Practice Gratitude and lean into Joy.
And finally, to believe that we are enough!
So, my Intention for 2015 is to
embrace being vulnerable more often… to
master the dance between feeling vulnerable/needy/controlling and feeling vulnerable/open/trusting!
What is YOUR Intention for
2015? Wanna play with me this year?
